Sterile

It’s official. I’m sterile. No more baby-making for the Martins unless the Good Lord decides to do another virgin birth. Except that Sarah’s not a virgin. But you knew that already.

Life has been a mix of up and downs lately. Many little tests have come our way in which we look back upon them and realize that those tests weren’t as big as what we made them out to be. It’s funny how kids can suck the life right out of you, and then the next day fill you up with a kind of joy and satisfaction that only they can bring.

We had our small group the other night in which we watch the Nooma videos. We got into a discussion of our past and someone mentioned how they still can’t believe the stage of life they are in. And I related so well to that comment.

Here I am, about to build a custom home on a couple of acres, with a wife and two kids under 18 months. There is just something inside of me that says that I am not this responsible….that there is no way that I should be trusted with such big financial decisions, and more importantly, to be trusted raising two little girls while finding the time to still love my wife.

If you would have asked me in college where I would be when I turn 30, I would’ve said, “Jumping our of planes fighting wildfires in the summer and being a snowboard bum in the winter.” The idea of owning nothing, and just getting by is appealing.

We watched “Into the Wild” the other night. At the end of the film, I felt disturbed, somehow thinking that should’ve been my life. When talking to Sarah afterwards about the film, she mentioned how selfish Christopher McCandless was. And he was selfish, with a history that definitely contributed to it, solely living for his goal of making it to Alaska while leaving his family and friends behind. And really, I don’t want to be like that.

It got me thinking of how that life I dreamed about in college would’ve turned out. I can’t say for sure how it would’ve gone, but I would bet that it certainly wouldn’t have brought me the joy that my family brings me right now. It’s so easy sometimes to let the 10% of life that turns out to be hell, rule the other 90% of life that turns out to be kind of alright and good. And that’s what I have to remember as we go through the up and downs of life.