Relationship Efficiency

Here I am, about to turn 28 years old in November. Married for almost five years. About to have our first child. And I’ve just been looking back over what I’ve accomplished and what I am chasing.

It wasn’t too long ago that I turned to Sarah and asked her a question while driving out of Fort Worth, coming home after her students High School Graduation Ceremony. I asked her if she ever had considered selling many of our possessions and moving into the hood with many of her Mexican students. To my surprise, she said, “Yes”. I had thought about something along those lines as well.

I’ve always had this desire to move in with the poor and just develop relationships with those people, to break down the lines between races. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that I wouldn’t accomplish much. I just don’t have that outgoing and engaging personality that it would take to change a community for the better. I can’t just walk up to people and create stimulating conversations to get into their lives. I’m much more of a behind the scenes type of person. And I struggle with that. I feel that because of my personality, I won’t ever get many opportunities to share the joy of Christ with others. While I prefer to hangout with Non-Christians, it’s still hard for me to develop actual relationships that will be more than just an occasional conversation here or there.

So here I am. I don’t feel like I have really risked anything for Christ. Not because I don’t want to. But because I am afraid that I won’t be efficient at it. Maybe my role is to just be a provider for those that are efficient at it. To do the behind the scenes work. But I still feel like I am letting God down in a way because I haven’t lead many to Christ. I already know the correct answer to that feeling – that I have planted many seeds and someone else gets to water them – the usual Christian terminology. But it’s still how I feel at times. I’m just glad our God is full of grace.